“I Wanted So Badly to Have My Child, and Now I Feel Guilty For Feeling Unhappy”

The Reality of Motherhood After Fertility Struggles

The journey to motherhood is often envisioned as a joyful and fulfilling path, especially for those who have longed for a child and faced fertility challenges. Many believe that the intense desire to have a baby and the effort put into achieving pregnancy will naturally translate into an easier adjustment to motherhood. However, the reality is often quite different. Despite the joy of finally holding a long-awaited baby, adjusting to the demands of motherhood can still be incredibly challenging. The experience of wanting a child so deeply does not automatically make the transition to motherhood seamless or straightforward.

Fertility issues can take an emotional toll before a baby arrives. 

Motherhood After ART

Women who have struggled with fertility issues often enter motherhood with heightened expectations and emotions. After years of trying to conceive, the anticipation and buildup can lead to a sense of overwhelming pressure to feel constant joy and fulfillment once the baby arrives. Yet, studies have shown that women who experience fertility struggles are at a higher risk of postpartum depression and anxiety. The emotional toll of infertility, combined with the societal expectation that they should be exceptionally grateful and happy, can exacerbate feelings of guilt and inadequacy when they don't match up to these unrealistic standards.

Furthermore, the reality of caring for a newborn can be a stark contrast to the imagined bliss of new motherhood. New mothers, regardless of their path to parenthood, face the same demanding task of adjusting to being needed 24 hours a day. The sheer physical and emotional exhaustion of feeding, changing, soothing, and caring for a baby around the clock can be overwhelming. For those who have faced fertility challenges, this adjustment can feel even more daunting because of the added layer of emotional complexity. They may have expected to feel nothing but joy, yet find themselves struggling with the same challenges all new mothers face.

A Wanted Baby

The paradox of wanting a child so desperately and then finding the reality of motherhood to be overwhelming can lead to deep emotional conflict. Many women may feel that they are not allowed to voice their struggles because they should just be grateful to have a child at all. This can create a sense of isolation, as they fear judgment or misunderstanding from others who may not fully grasp the complexities of their situation. It's essential to recognize that every mother's journey is unique, and the difficulties faced in the postpartum period are valid, regardless of how much she wanted a child.

Support and Understanding

Reaching out for support is one of the bravest actions you can take for yourself, your baby and your family. 

Ultimately, acknowledging the challenges of motherhood, particularly for those who have overcome fertility issues, is crucial for providing the support and understanding they need. Motherhood is a complex, demanding experience that can be joyful and fulfilling, but it also requires immense adjustments, especially for those who have battled to get there. It's important for society to create spaces where new mothers feel safe to express their feelings, seek help, and find community without fear of judgment. By doing so, we can better support all mothers, ensuring they have the resources and understanding they need to navigate the highs and lows of their unique journeys. Finding local new mothers groups, attending groups that your hospital may provide like lactation support or postpartum care are great ways to connect with professionals and other new moms during this time. If you think you might benefit from a more individualized approach, find a Maternal Mental Health specialist in your area.

Lauren Fox, LCSW, PMH-C works exclusively with women in the perinatal period and those with children 0-3 years old.

I hope this blog about motherhood after infertility was helpful for you. Read here if you’d like to know more about Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. If you are looking for a perinatal and/or postpartum therapist, reach out to me! I can also help point you in the direction of local Coachella Valley doulas, physicians, birthing centers and vendors like photographers, balloons and catering for baby showers, etc, etc. We can schedule a 15 minute phone consultation to discuss what is happening for you and explore if more individualized mental health support could be beneficial for you. I would be happy to help get you connected. Feel free to call me at 805-930-9355 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. If you are looking for help with pregnancy, postpartum, pregnancy loss, infertility, birth trauma, hypnotherapy, or new mothers support groups, you can read more about how I can help within this website.

Serving the Coachella Valley and surrounding areas, including: Palm Springs, Cathedral City, Rancho Mirage, Indian Wells, Thousand Palms, Palm Desert, La Quinta, Indio, Bermuda Dunes, Coachella, Thermal, Mecca, TwentyNine Palms, Desert Hot Springs, Yucca Valley, Joshua Tree and virtually across the state of California.

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